Well, I’ve been thinking a lot. And reflecting. And it scares me how much I work. Every weekday and sometimes saturday to, from 10 AM to 6:30PM, then I go to school afterwards. It’s amazing.

Is this really what I want?

Well the upside is I’m making a fuck ton of money (which is disapearing mostly into the truck and college…mostly).

I don’t have a girlfriend, the only girl who I’ve actually had a strong passion for (such a strong passion, I did some…regrettable things, oops), really ripped me a new one emotionally, let’s just say.

I moved further away from my best friends, I seem to be unable to make any new friends at college, and I can’t relate to anybody at work.

There’s gotta be something more out there.

I got a new job. Same pay rate, a few more hours a week, but it’s freaking awesome.

I sit and repair computers. Which I’m good at.

I work with some pretty awesome people too, always cracking jokes. It’s fun as shit.

I’m happy my boss is not a dick weed.

So apparently I’m annoying . Yes I figured this out, and I figured it out along time ago. I annoy people which goes along with the previous statement. Do I do it on purpose? No. So, does this give people the right to rip into my self-esteem to get rid of me? I think not, but hey that’s just me and my ethical and moral standards there.

I don’t want to annoy people but I understand how I can be annoying, I just need people to nicely tell me. If one would to instead fucking piss me off by giving me shit, I would then be forced to take reciprocal action.

I just want people to stop giving each other such shit, but apparently some of us are not mature enough to reach this state yet.

Does this mean that you can’t give people shit, hell no. There are times when its appropriate, but when I have people who I find are my close friends tearing into my self-esteem, it hurts, and it fucking hurts a lot. I try to be a nice person and help people out when I can, and so far this has gotten me a ton of good friends.

So I guess me being annoying is a great way to weed out the bad friends from the good friends. But hey thats just me.

Well I lost two good friends today, or people who I thought were my friends…

Hell, I didn’t even know what I did, if anything. Just one day I showed up and they decided to show nothing but contempt for me. Is this what friends really do, just fucking show contempt for eachother?

Hell they didn’t even bother talking it out with me, or just saying what was on their minds, they suddenly felt I was dirt, nothing. I’m left clueless as I am forced to sever my connections with two individuals who’s friendship and advice I treasured, but I cannot, and I absolutely refuse to associate myself with individuals who would treat me (supposedly their friend, or their friend at some point) in such a fucking disgusting manner, it sickens me to my stomach that individuals that I held in great esteem did such selfish acts without empathy towards me. I tried my best to fix it, and my best to find out why they suddenly found such distaste towards me. Their answer “They found me annoying” or “I got on their nerves” I have not changed the way I have acted towards them since I was their friend from the beginning to the point where I decided to terminate my friendship with them.

But is this a fucking excuse to mistreat me, is it? Just because a friend got on their nerves they decided to completely trash my self-esteem for their own joy and amusement? To shy me away from the table? No it isn’t an excuse to treat me in such a lowly fashion by giving me contempt. I find such conduct reprehensible and unforgivable.

Now you have to imagine this from my point of view: I’m their friend, everything is cool. Suddenly I have friends treating me like shit. What. The. Fuck. Such behavior is completely unacceptable for any fucking reason. If they were true friends, as I once thought they were, they would’ve helped me improve myself, not fucking trash me. I always want to deal with people better and be less annoying. BUT IT DOESN’T FUCKING HELP ME STOP BEING ANNOYING IF PEOPLE JUST CONSTANTLY TEAR MY SELF-ESTEEM DOWN FOR THEIR OWN FUCKING PETTY AMUSEMENT!

I am clearly disappointed in them. In the future I will make sure I will choose my friends more carefully. But I will not change who I am.

But where does this all come into play, why am I acting in such a way, why do I get annoying.

Well apparently there are people who haven’t figured this one out, I like to make people laugh, so I crack jokes, which is okay. But I also annoy people as a defense mechanism. Don’t ask me why, its innate and if I could fix it I would, but I can neither do it on my own nor can I afford to seek help.

I’ve had a rougher life then I have let on, fucking believe me on this, tons of shit has irreversibly scarred me; and I know I act in a fashion that may drive people off. But because of my trauma, I shied away from a social life in elementary, jr. high school, and high school and become addicted to the computer. An unhealthy obsession I know, as it has clearly stunted my social development.

I have dealt with extreme trauma dating back to elementary school. I have dealt with social trauma again and again, the most severe of which happened in sophomore year of high school. I’d wish I could tell you more, but for my sake and the sake of others I can’t do so. But let me just say this, history seems to be repeating itself, for better or for worse.

But this deals with the final point. Is it okay to treat your friend in such an abhorrent manner if he overstayed his welcome? I think not. The proper way to go about things would’ve been to ask me very politely to either leave, or quiet down. I.e: “Ryan, can you please stop, you’re being annoying". I wish I could say they did this first, but what I met at first was straight up antagonism, and for that I have lost all respect for these two people.

I am sickened and ashamed of myself for allowing my standards of friendship to drop far to down low. I think its time I discover some new friends at GRCC.

Sorry for not posting in this for so long. Let’s see…

I’ve moved down the Maple Valley way back in January. Started class, taken Communications, English, Psychology, and Physics, which I am now done with today.

Man life is grand.